Toxic Masculinity: Why We Criticize Men Instead of Providing Them with Guidance

Mansplaining. Manspreading. Male privilege. Toxic masculinity. We’ve come up with a surprising number of terms to describe all the things men supposedly do wrong. But what we can hardly explain anymore is: What actually makes a good man? “And that’s exactly what I consider to be one of the biggest problems of our time,” says Mateo Diem of FlirtForschung.

Masculinity today. A young man is told, quite consistently, how he shouldn’t be. Not too dominant. Not too tough. Not too loud. Not too bossy. Not too emotionally closed off. Above all, not intrusive. Above all, not “toxic.” Okay. Got it. But how is he supposed to be?

Strong or sensitive? Assertive or reserved? Should he take the lead or stay in the background as much as possible? Should he approach a woman and take the initiative, or is it better to wait so as not to cross any boundaries? We’re raising a generation of men who are expected to stop and think every other step about whether their behavior might be problematic. And then we’re genuinely surprised that many of them no longer have any idea who they want to be.

Toxic masculinity?

Maybe we don’t have a problem with too much masculinity. Maybe we have a problem with the fact that we hardly ever convey a positive image of what masculinity can be to young men. What exactly is “toxic masculinity” supposed to be? I’ve never really understood the term “toxic masculinity.”

Not because men can’t behave like jerks. Of course they can. Men can be aggressive, manipulative, cowardly, irresponsible, or disrespectful. Then we should call it exactly what it is. A reckless man is reckless. A violent man is violent. An asshole is an asshole. Why does this have to become a trait of masculinity, of all things?

For me, the problem begins when perfectly normal male traits are increasingly treated as if they first need to be socially neutralized. A competitive spirit. Ambition. Assertiveness. Physical strength. A willingness to take risks. A focus on status. The desire to lead, to win, to protect, to provide, and to take on responsibility.

Dismantled images of men

Yes, each of these traits can be misused. Of course. Strength can turn into violence. Leadership can turn into control. Ambition can make people ruthless. But that doesn’t mean the trait itself is bad. A knife can cut bread or hurt someone. That’s not why anyone talks about “toxic knives.”

What matters isn’t whether a man is strong. What matters is what he does with his strength. We’ve deconstructed men and thrown away the instructions. I believe we’ve made a crucial mistake in recent years. We were very good at dismantling old stereotypes of masculinity—in some cases, rightly so. But we were damn bad at replacing them with something useful. We see the result today.

Many young men have no clue. No clue how to interact with women. No clue how to build self-confidence. No clue how to take on responsibility. No clue how to deal with rejection, competition, loneliness, or failure. And you don’t solve that by lecturing them yet again about the privileges they supposedly have.

A disoriented 22-year-old who has no friends, is insecure around women, doesn’t take care of his physical appearance, isn’t making progress in his career, and wakes up every morning with no sense of purpose doesn’t need more abstract social criticism. He needs direction

A good man is not harmless

For me, healthy masculinity doesn’t mean going through life as safely, conformist, and conflict-free as possible. A good man is allowed to be strong. He should even become strong. But not just physically.

He should be able to keep a cool head when things get tough. To make decisions when others hesitate. To take responsibility when something goes wrong. To provide a sense of security to those around him. To provide for his family. To set boundaries. To accept “no” for an answer. To keep his promises. To control his emotions instead of unleashing every impulse unfiltered on those around him. He should be capable of something.

That makes much more sense to me than trying to convince young men that they need to constantly test their masculinity to see if it might rub anyone the wrong way. Because self-confidence doesn’t come from self-affirmations. Self-confidence is the result of competence. I trust myself because I’ve experienced that I can solve problems. Because I can control my body. Because I can earn money. Because I’m socially competent. Because I can survive rejection. Because I can take on responsibility. Because others know: When things get tough, he doesn’t run away. To me, that’s masculine strength.

If you don’t provide role models, people will end up with the wrong ones

And that brings us to the point where the whole debate becomes dangerous. Young men don’t stop searching for masculinity just because some segments of society find the term uncomfortable. They look for their answers elsewhere. On the internet, there are plenty of men who offer them very simple answers: Get rich. Get muscular. Gain status. Dominate others. Collect women. Then you’re a man.

It doesn’t surprise me at all that messages like these work. Because before we get outraged about who’s filling this vacuum, maybe we should ask ourselves who created it in the first place. If a young man spends years hearing mainly about what’s wrong with men, and suddenly someone comes along and tells him: “You’re allowed to be strong. You’re allowed to want to win. You’re allowed to want women. You’re allowed to be successful. You’re allowed to be a man,” then he’s going to listen. That doesn’t mean everything that follows is right. It just means we should finally understand why these messages fall on such fertile ground in the first place.

Men don’t need more criticism; they need guidance

So maybe we should spend less time coming up with new terms for all the things men do wrong. And start showing them again what they can do right. Because guidance doesn’t come from criticism alone. Sometimes a man needs someone to honestly show him where he’s getting in his own way, what skills he’s lacking, and how he can rebuild his confidence step by step. These insecurities become particularly apparent when it comes to dating. Anyone who is afraid of rejection, pretends to be someone they’re not, can’t set boundaries, or bases their self-worth solely on a woman’s reaction rarely has just a dating problem.

That’s exactly why I don’t see my work as a dating coach as a guide on how men can meet as many women as possible. It’s about something more fundamental: helping men become more socially competent, self-confident, and responsible. Dating is often just the area where a lack of direction first becomes apparent.

A good coach can’t replace a father, a friend, or a strong male role model. But he can create a space where a man isn’t judged for not having all the answers yet, but instead learns to develop them for himself. Because in the end, men don’t need another list of things they’re not allowed to be. They need people who help them figure out what kind of man they want to be.

Photos @mateo diem